Everything We Had
by tiswillard
Summary: One-shot. Slash. Sirius/Remus. Takes place during POA. Remus considers his feelings about Sirius.


**A/N: You should know what came from the book and what didn't. It's not that much, but okay. I've been really picky about my Sirius/Remus lately, and I haven't written anything in ages because I'm a little stuck on Tom/Doug from 21 Jump Street (because those two were so obviously made for each other), but I re-read POA a few months ago, and it was immediately irrevocable that I had to write this. Anything in italics is a flashback, but you should be able to figure that out yourself.**

"Don't expect me to cover up for you again, Harry. I cannot make you take Sirius Black seriously. But I would have thought that what you have heard when the dementors draw near would have had more of an effect on you. Your parents gave their lives to keep you alive, Harry. A poor way to repay them-- gambling their sacrifice for a bag of magic tricks."

Remus swallowed the lump that had just climbed up his throat, completely ignoring the fact that he had just completely settled down into the unease of wanting to throw up. It was kind of like announcing it to the world , announcing that he had absolutely no doubt that Sirius had done it. Well, of course Remus had doubt. Sirius was-- Sirius was not that kind of person. If anyone knew him best, and it was not just Remus being a selfish git, it was himself. He had loved him, and Sirius had loved him back, so many years ago. Yes, though without the knowings of James. Maybe that hadn't been such a good idea; keeping that away from him. But what good was there in it now? The point was, as he watched Harry and Ron saunter away from him, he just might as well have condemned Sirius to the dementors himself.

Quite honestly, Remus felt he couldn't deal with that type of guilt. Even if he hadn't really...

Finally, Harry and Ron were out of sight. Remus needed some fresh air, and he needed some now. He tried not to run to the doors that were on the opposite side of the Entrance Hall. It was vital that no one saw him in his time of self-doubt for all of his disposition in the past few years. Few years, hah. Twelve years was more like it. Twelve years trying to convince himself that everything he had ever had with Sirius had been a joke, and that Sirius had really done it. Sirius had done it because the Ministry had said he had, and now Sirius was in prison. Or supposed to be, anyway.

It hadn't been the first time Remus had ever said something out loud that might have suggested that he now hated Sirius. He had said things about his lover of so many years ago, but never had he stopped and actually thought about them. Never had he paused to reflect on what he truly felt about Sirius.

The truth was overwhelming. An avalanche of shards of glass rather than snow, a tornado whose job wasn't to take out everything in it's path-- merely to just take out Remus. And suddenly, Remus felt as if there was an ominous cloud over his head, delivering only rain drops atop his head, ignoring everyone else's.

Remus glanced down at his hands, the Marauder's map gripped tightly in between his itching fingers that wanted nothing but to rip his hair out. How long had it been since he had held this thing in his hand?

_"No, Sirius, that's a horrible idea." James said, his head in his hands. His furrowed eyebrows showed that he was doing quite a lot of thinking. "We can't just do a typical Snivellus-bashing for our last prank, our last real outing as the Marauders of Hogwarts. We've got to end with a big bang. Well, maybe not a big bang, but something that might get us into that book Moony's always got his nose in-- _Hogwarts, A History_, is it?"_

_"Hey!" Remus said, crossing his arms defensively. "I read that book once, and it was for a current-events essay for History Of Magic--"_

_"I can't see how anything in that book would be current, Remy," Sirius snorted. "It's a thousand years old."_

_"It's not a thousand years old, Sirius," Remus retorted. "I don't know how _old_ it is, per se, because my copy was new and revised."_

_"Remy, nothing of significance has happened in this school within the last seven years." Remus's cheeks burned at Sirius's remark. Well, he had had to read the book to find that out, hadn't he? (So much for revised.) "You should have just written an essay about the epic and novel pranksters us Marauder's are, seeing as James, Peter, and I did. Best thing I've ever written in my life. Tried sending it to the _Prophet_, didn't I? Got a letter back saying the writing was superb, but that it had little to no significance to do with anything they were reporting at the moment."_

_"That's because I let you use my thesaurus," Remus said hotly. "And then I ended up writing most of the essay for you."_

_"I love you, Remy," was Sirius's wry remark. Remus scoffed, but saw that James had seen nothing funny with the remark, hence Remus returned the sarcastic-yet-somehow-earnest grin._

_"You too, Pads," Remus said. _

_"Okay, well if you two lovebirds are done flirting--" Remus snorted. James had no idea how true that statement just was-- "I would kindly appreciate it if we took to returning to our discussion of the final Marauder-shin-dig. This 'as got to go down in history. Moony, take your stupid little biography of Hogwarts out of your bag, start making notes of where you can fit the Marauders in. We're gonna be famous."_

_"I think the ideal way to start this is with some ideas, don't'cha think, Wormtail?" Remus asking, winking in Peter's direction. There he was, just tagging along as James' lap dog. It annoyed Remus when he did that-- he felt like he was being spied on or something, even though he knew he could trust Peter with his life._

_"Moony has a point, Prongs," Peter grinned, trying to look as if he were grateful that Remus had found a way to fit him into the conversation. So often he was unable to participate in his friends' conversations. Quite honestly, he never had much to say-- their pranking ideas were always by far better than his. And contrary to what most people had thought, a lot of ingenious pranks from the Marauders were thought up by none other perfect-little-headboy, Remus Lupin. Peter peered over James' shoulder, down at the blank piece of parchment he had been using to brainstorm. "I see you have a fantastic little repertoire of ideas we can work from there, James."_

_"Shut up, Peter," James said, hunching over the paper and pretending to write out ideas. He could have made it much more believable, hadn't it been for the lack of the sound of a quill scratching against parchment._

Remus stopped himself , not allowing to let the memory go any further. That wasn't _just_ Sirius, that was James and Peter. James and Peter who were dead, who Sirius might have killed, both directly and indirectly.

That thought was worse, however, and Remus shook his head to rid himself of those thoughts. Suddenly, his surroundings seemed much clearer, and he was aware that he was almost there. Where he was headed, that was. Hogsmeade. But the question, once he stepped into the borders of the only-magical town in Britain, was _where_ to go. A handful of pubs, the first (of course) coming to mind being The Three Broomsticks. However, that was far too crowded, regardless, and it was always possible one of his co-workers would be there. He needed time to think. He needed time to sulk. By himself. He needed-- he needed The Hog's Head. In the meantime, he let his mind wander.

_"No, go ahead you guys, I'll stay with Moony."_

_"You sure, Pads? I mean, I know you usually do stay with him up here for a while after-- canine instincts, I guess-- but, this is--"_

_"Seriously, James, Peter. Go. We won't be long. Remus needs a moment. He always needs a moment, and I'm always there for him. We'll be up to the castle eventually."_

_"Alright. See you in a while, then."_

_Remus listened for James and Peter's exit, and sighed in relief when he heard the door open, his eyes closed in exhaustion. Remus heard Sirius begin slowly crossing the room. "You forgot to tell James to tell Lily that she doesn't have to come."_

_"Evans knows not to come," Sirius said in a low gruff, lowering himself on the floor next to Remus. "The girl's got enough brains to figure that one out. You've got to give James his credit, he's got a reasonably good eye for women."_

_"Are you implying something, Pads?" Remus asked, a playful grin on his face._

_"Naw," Sirius said, shrugging against him. "Just saying." Remus laughed, but was interrupted by a yawn halfway through his laughter. His already drooping eyes were halfway shut as he felt Sirius' arms wrap around him, shortly followed by, "Just go to sleep, Remus. You deserve it."_

_"Thanks," Remus mumbled, half incoherently. Still, Sirius knew what he meant._

_"No problem, Remy." Remus made Sirius' shoulder his own personal pillow, something he did whenever he had the chance. It didn't matter how uncomfortable the position was for either of them, it was favorable over anything else. Besides, these days, there was so little time to get away and just be _them_ for once._

"Sir?" someone's voice sounded in his ear. Remus looked up, surprised. He hadn't noticed actually entering the Hog's Head. "Sir, what would you like?"

"Whatever," Remus mumbled. "Whatever you've got. Everything you've got. Something. I don't care. Make it strong, I need that right now."

In retrospect, it was kind of funny how easily accepted this was by the bar hand, who sauntered off. Remus, however, knew why-- or at least had an educated guess as to why. This place was so secluded that it was almost reserved for local idiots, psychos, and apparently, werewolves. Of course, all of whom were going through some very hard self-debate and reconstruction, preventing them to have a single thought pertaining to what might be regular behaviour and what might not.

"Here you go," the bar hand said, handing Remus an obviously dirty glass with a foreign liquid in it. Remus grabbed the mug soundlessly, and immediately downed a fourth of it's contents. He had been aiming for all, or at least half, but the burn that trickled down his throat was unbearable, regardless of how he tried to ignore it. Also, anywhere else, people might look at him strangely-- and _anywhere else_ was undoubtedly what Remus was used to. Remus grimaced, suddenly noticing the absolutely unbearable aftertaste, and downing some more to wash it away. Well, this would be a strange process. He tried to ignore it, his eyes zoning out on the contents of the glass.

Regardless of all the conversations he had ever heard between girls who had been played with by Sirius before their relationship in the fifth year, Sirius had been awfully sweet. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that they could only be together the way they wanted to be together every so often that made Sirius act the way he did to Remus. He wasn't altogether sure, nor did he want to know all that much about what this meant. He liked the thought of Sirius being like that simply because they were together, nothing else.

_"Remus, wake up! Wake up, Remus! Come on you bloody idiot, I told you to get--"_

_"I'm awake, Sirius," Remus answered in a monotone._

_"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" Sirius asked, freezing in his place where he was sitting atop Remus on the bed. Remus just stared at him dumbfounded, and Sirius burst out in laughter at what he had just said. "Sorry, everything's kind of a blur right now. Really excited."_

_"I could tell," Remus muttered. "Now, what did you want?"_

_"We finished!" Sirius said excitedly, half shrieking. "We did it!"_

_"Did what, Sirius?" Remus asked, lifting himself up onto his elbows._

_"Animagi," Sirius said. "I know you thought that we were just trying to do something that we couldn't do, but we honest to Godric Gryffindor did it!"_

_"Sirius," Remus said. "Get back into bed, you just had a really good dream."_

_"I'm not shitting you about this, Moony!"_

Remus was surprised as he noted a weight in his hand, hovering over his lips. Suddenly he was aware that it was the mug, overturned, without any of whatever that alcohol had been left in it. "Bar hand!" he called out, not caring if he sounded rude. "More of this, whatever it is!" The bar hand approached him, not looking at all fazed, and took the glass away dutifully. Remus allowed himself to drift back into reminiscing.

_"I don't believe you," Remus said shortly, collapsing back onto his mattress. "I'm going back to bed. Wake me up in the morning."_

_Sirius shook him, almost violently. "I'll show you, if you want!" Remus couldn't help but open his eyes and stare at his friend. He noticed that Sirius looked a little frenzied, and he immediately wondered what time it was and when the last time it had been that Sirius had slept. "I'm not very good at it yet; it takes practice, but I can still show you."_

_"I want to see this," Remus said, almost as if preparing himself to see a big theater production. "I want to see what you have done to yourself, illegally, just so I don't have to curl up in the shrieking shack and attack things once a month."_

_"That's called some major PMS-ing, mate," Sirius joked. Remus snorted, too tired to appreciate the brilliantness of Sirius' joke. Suddenly, however, Sirius' facade turned somber, and he looked as if he was indulging in a great deal of concentration._

_Remus must have blinked, or he was having an extremely deranged dream, for a large, black shaggy dog was now sitting on him in Sirius's place. Dragging himself up into more of a sitting position, Remus stared into the dog's eyes-- _Sirius's_ eyes, he realized. So they-- so Sirius-- wasn't lying. They had become illegal animagi, something that they had taken into consideration ever since they had found out about... his time of month, furry little problem, whatever, in second year. _

_They had become illegal animagi. Remus ran the words through his head, liking the sound of that, in spite of his prefect standpoint in the school._

_For him._

_He liked those words a bit better, but was suddenly so overcome with emotion, he couldn't figure out what he was supposed to be thinking._

_He reached out, carefully at first. This was Sirius, yes, but he didn't know whether he was Sirius in his mind. Was he purely animal, or he was a human in a dog's body? Regardless, the face that Remus was petting the large dog seemed to be something it liked. It panted, closing it's mouth every now and then to prevent itself from drooling all over Remus' lap. The werewolf laughed inwardly, risking a kiss on the top of the forehead. At this, Sirius-- the dog-- nuzzled in closer to him. This was him, Remus knew then. This was the real Sirius, not just a dog._

When Remus drifted out of the memory this time, it was partially because there really wasn't much of one. It had been simple. Remus had gotten tired, and Sirius had fallen asleep a few fifteen minutes before. The werewolf had curled himself up in the bed, wrapping an arm around the dog that lay so close to him. This had been it; the beginning of it all. The kiss on his forehead. They had never really spoken of what they were doing, never really had it occurred to them that it might be socially unacceptable as they caught snogging sessions in an empty classroom whenever they could grab the chance.

Not until it had become serious, anyway. It had scared Remus at first, he realized, when he first found himself half-naked and in the arms of Sirius. Sirius, of course, had reassured him. It hadn't been a problem after that. Well, it technically had been a problem. They tried so hard to keep it away from their friends-- in seventh year, when Lily had finally given in and began dating James, made it known in their private time that any female who paid enough attention to how the two acted when they were together clearly deemed them as gay.

Sirius had grinned, and Remus had tried to deny it. Sirius had shushed Remus with a kiss, something that Lily nearly smiled in pride at while Remus tilted his head downwards in order to try and hide the fact that he was blushing so hard.

He grew used to Lily's presence eventually, of course. Lily had been the whole reason they could still be together at one point-- they insisted on never telling James, although Lily constantly assured the two that there was nothing worth hiding. She was convinced that James would see no problem with their homosexuality, but both Remus and Sirius had other ideas.

_"That you, Remy?" Sirius called from the kitchen._

_"Th'one 'n' only," Remus said in a low gruff, thankful for the heat in Sirius' apartment. It was completely freezing outside. He just barely missed Sirius' head sticking out of the doorway to the kitchen, spying Remus still holding his coat tightly around him. Sirius laughed._

_"You look freezing," he haid said, head disappearing back in the kitchen for a moment._

_"Thank you, captain obvious," Remus had said._

_"You're welcome," Sirius said, walking towards the front door. Remus' teeth chattered audibly, and Sirius chuckled again, this time close enough to wrap his arms around the werewolf. Remus had inched in closer, happy for the extra heat. "So how was your day?"_

_"Same old, same old," Remus replied, referring to the fact that he still had been unable to find a job. The moment he mentioned 'werewolf', he was always turned away._

_"I'm sorry," Sirius said, tightening his grasp around Remus for a moment. He kissed him on top of his head, before thinking aloud, "You ever thought of getting a muggle job, and then just going and exchanging the muggle money for our own?"_

_"Only a million times," Remus chortled. "Only problem is that all of the jobs I'd be eligible for are kind of degrading. I didn't take all of those N.E.W.T.s to end up being a waiter at a casual restaurant, Siri."_

_"Well, something'll come along eventually," Sirius had said, reaching for the zipper on Remus' coat. "Get settled down, I'm making dinner."_

_"Since when do you make dinner?" Remus had asked, disbelieving._

_"Since I realized it was several degrees below zero and that you were coming over tonight," Sirius had answered. Remus still sounded unconvinced. "If it makes you feel any better, it's only some hot soup."_

_"Oh, that sounds much better than an actual meal," Remus had responded dramatically, feigning that Sirius' proclamation of it only being soup had dispelled him from a great deal of grief. However, he was rather charmed by the fact that Sirius had thought enough about him to cook him some soup. Usually, he would come over to Sirius' flat and end up making food for them._

_Instead, Remus busied himself in making himself comfy on the end of the couch. He wrapped a blanket around himself, playing with a loose string in the hemming as he waited. _

_"Here you go," Sirius said, holding two bowls of soup. Remus took one, looking down into the bowl, discovering what was a rather appetizing-- and not to mention large-- bowl of tomato soup. He muttered a sound of thanks, and began pouring the boiling hot liquid down his throat._

_"I'm surprised," Remus teased. "You can cook!"_

_"Shut up, Remy," Sirius had said. "Besides, you know I only did it because I love you."_

_"Well I'm glad you love me then." Remus watched as Sirius rolled his eyes. "But I love you too, Pads."_

Remus forced himself out of the memory; he could only too well remember where that night had ended up, and he really wasn't ready to reminisce about that sort of past love life. Instead, he just shoved his hand in his pocket, and slammed down a few coins. Downing the rest of his drink, he quickly left the tavern. His hand played with the Marauders Map, which was now in his pocket, as he made his way against the whipping evening wind back to the castle. Part of him just wanted to lay down on the street, go to sleep there-- that was completely against all acceptable social conduct as far as he knew, of course.

_"Remy, you're a werewolf,"_ Remus could half hear Sirius say. He knew it was just his mind interpreting the wind to be talking to him; Merlin, he needed some sleep and he needed it now. _"And last time I checked, werewolves are not exactly the epitome of acceptable social conduct."_

"Shut up," Remus muttered. It worked; the only noise now was his hurried footsteps and the wind. However, with every step he took, the wind grew more vicious. His steps broke into a run, until he finally reached the castle; paranoia leaving him the moment his right foot was inside of the castle.

Breathing a bit more heavily than normal, he made his way to his office, staring intently at the ground in case someone might try to come and talk to him, although he was sure no one would really be all that interested in talking to him, more or less the only people he would expect to be out at this time was the ever paranoid Snape, and that might be worse than anything. Snape was just the sort of person who would irritate and irk Remus enough that he would eventually spit out that long lost secret that may as well have died with Lily and James. Peter, even.

His office was dark, lonely. It was well broken in, at least-- you could tell he lived there. For someone who had always been so credited for being extremely tidy, he'd lost track of his organization somewhere in the years. He yawned, noncommittally suggesting to himself that he should perhaps start a bit of cleaning tomorrow. He knew it would never matter, of course-- he had papers to grade tomorrow, homework to check, tests to give, classes to teach.

He collapsed at his deck, putting his head in his hands. Just as he was about to doze off, something hit the floor. Sitting up quickly, his immediate thought was that someone was breaking into his office. Squinting at the ground, however, he could make out the vague shape of the Marauders' Map. Breath hitching, he turned on the nearest lamp, and leaned down to the floor and picked it up. He smoothed out the map across his desk, growing nervous. Closing his eyes, he apprehensively drew his wand out of his pocket, as if he expected someone to come in and accuse him of molestation or something equally crazy.

With the wandtip on the paper, Remus prayed it would work. "I solemnly swear--" his throat caught for a moment, and he cleared it-- "that I am up to no good."

As his eyes finally opened, he watched as penmarks they had all drawn branch across the page. He let his eyes scan over the paper, let his mind take in the names that he recognized. He didn't know what he was looking for-- perhaps he just needed another reminder of the past. He snorted at that thought, however, and leaned back in his chair, tapping his fingers on the table top.

He sighed, bowing his head. Once he looked up again, a moving name caught his eye.

_Sirius Black._

Running out of the side that was the Forbidden Forest, towards the Wheeping Willow. Remus forgot to breathe again.

He didn't know what it was, but watching Sirius' name there, it made him feel safe. He didn't contemplate, for once, whether or not Sirius had or hadn't done it. It was just the fact that he was in the vicinity, doing whatever Sirius does. At the moment, that was the most Remus could ask for.


End file.
